Hello...

is it me you're looking for?


I was wearing a crisp white shirt, and a well-ironed pair of black trousers. Very lawyer-like. No tie though, as it was past 8 o'clock and I was at the restaurant just to order some take-away dinner before heading home.

A guy walks into the restaurant, and asks me where the reunion is.

I say I don't know. He asks could it be upstairs. I say I really don't know, coz I don't work there. He leaves me, not embarrassed by his gaffe, but confused.

I look around the restaurant.

It was empty.

Except for me waiting for my takeaway order, and 3 waiters hanging around, in their crisp white shirts and well-ironed pair of black trousers.

*******

In university, we're assigned a tutor each. They take care of our academic welfare, and we see them periodicaly over every academic year.

I went to meet my tutor.

"So, how has your first year been?"

"Sir, I just completed my final year exams."

*******

I was waiting on the kerb with a friend, while our husband-and-wife friends were going into their sixth handbag shop.

"Can you take me?"

The both of us looked at the lady who asked the question.

"Sorry ma'am, we're on a break" I answered.

She left. I told my friend that we better move away from standing by the two London Black Cabs parked at the kerb, lest we get more queries like that.

*****

"Were you the one who bled?"

"No."

"Then you must be the one who crashed the car!"

*******

At a wedding, where I had given the wedding speech, the reception had ended and I was talking to the best man.

As the guests were filing out, an elderly uncle walked up to the best man and said:

"Well done!"

"Thank you uncle..." the best man says.

"Didn't realise you had that talent..."

"Err... thanks again..." the slightly perplexed best man said.

I was wondering too - standing by the groom and fanning him doesn't require exceptional talent... or does it??

"So, how long did it take to write the speech?"

Uncle... uncle... :-)

*******

Seeing a lady I knew, I went up to her and said...

"Hello aunty, how are you??"

From her reaction, without a doubt, she had no idea who I was.

After asking my name, and then my father's name, she suddenly sparkled as she seemed to remember who I was.

"Ah, I remember now, I attended your wedding last year!"

Funny...

I don't remember being there at my wedding.

Speak when you are angry...

and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.


Have you ever had people leave anonymous messages for you?

It's nice, isn't it? (except if you're being stalked... but I don't have that problem.)

Perhaps someone is noticing you.

Perhaps someone wants to speak to you, but doesn't get the opportunity to do so.

Or can't summon the courage to do so.

I've had a very small number of such messages left for me, but there's one I'll never forget.

It was a number of years ago at the Bangsar Shopping Centre in KL. I had gone to the mall with a friend, and had swung down to the lower basement to park. I parked near the lifts, as it would be easier to get to the car when we were ready to leave.

A couple of hours later, we were back at the car park.

As I was about to get into the driver's seat, I noticed a neatly folded piece of paper under the wiper on my windscreen.

Hmm.

Suddenly, I twinkled.

I looked around, and there was no one scurrying away, or trying to escape my gaze…

My heart was pounding already. Who could it be... this stranger leaving a note for me, putting it on my windscreen knowing full well I will not miss it...

I took the note, and opened it with bated breath.

And there it was. The message for me, written so crisply such that its meaning could not be any clearer...


“Thank you for parking here. You block everyone. Assholes like you should take the bus instead.”


Damn...

Tight slap on the face it was like...

*******

I didn't park in a parking spot I admit, but I didn't block everyone.

Class of 2008

My brothers and sisters of the class of 2008,

Be humble

You reap what you sow

In a new place
Get familiar with the surroundings
Get familiar with the people

You never know who can help you put up a great show
You never know who can help your dreams grow

Don't forget to brush your teeth
However it is you do it

Create an identity
That you can take pride in

Be prepared to meet all sorts of people, in all sorts of places

Learn from the experiences of others
Especially when they are willing to share

Write

Help all creatures of god
You'll be a better person for it

Surround yourself with inspiring characters
They may just inspire you

Have fun in whatever you do
Don't get sidetracked too much
But allow your creativity to flow...

Communicate
Not eveyone can see you
Not everyone can hear you
Especially when you're up there

Fight for your rights
Fight for what you believe is right
You can't make everyone happy
But try understand what's it like being in their shoes

Remember the masks people wear
Remember the masks you wear

Take a stand
But don't be afraid to stand corrected
Get you voice heard
But don't forget to listen

Appreciate the value of others
and the value of yourself

Survive

Give
Unconditionally

Don't be careless

Go outside sometimes
And do battle with the elements

Partake in the simple joys of others
It may make you smile too

Catch fish with your hands
Once you have learnt how to

Practice

Go to the beach
And listen
to the sand

Climb... mountains if you could
The view is always fantastic

Practice, many more times

Roll on the ground
Under the stars
You may have never done it this way before
But why not

Perform
like it really matters

Be prepared
for
suprises
along the way

But
nail
the
performance
nevertheless

Don't underestimate
what you can learn from others
Don't underestimate
what others can learn from you

Wave with both hands when you say goodbye

It's not too long
It's not too short
a time
It's what you do with time

Remember
Treasure
As you move along

But always
be
humble.

Ladies & gentlemen...

announcing the arrival of...

me.

*******

Friday 24 April 2009 I am going to remember for a long time.

It was an unremarkable day as usual.

And then the sun set!

I had been asked to attend a dinner, as a representative. When you have been asked, it's not polite to decline, even though it's Friday night and...

I had no other plans anyway.

As I made my way past the main doors of the hall and headed for the entrance to the dining room, someone intercepted me and ushered me to the VIP holding room instead.

Didn't expect that.

Lush red carpet, massive sofas with funny looking floral patterns, and kopi-o and muffins as snack. And then a few people came in to keep me company.

Soon enough, another VIP (me being the first one, remember...) joined us in the room. And that was when I discovered that the two of us were it. The main guests for the dinner.

We were both ushered out of the VIP holding room with a small entourage following and walked across the hall to the dining room. There was a guard of honour formed, consisting of about a hundred people. They smiled at us, and we back. I even waved a little, as it felt awkward just walking past.

We passed the doors to the dining room, and that was when I realised that it wasn't a room, it was a MASSIVE dining hall with hundreds and hundreds of people sitting around dinner tables.

Didn't expect that either.

Then the emcees announced our arrival, with my name being one of the three mentioned. And we got thunderous applause!

Absolutely amazing.

These people seemed genuinely happy to see us.

The walk from the doors to the main table is something that will stick with me for a long time. What a feeling. It was like taking a lap of honour after winning the final of the Malaysia Cup. Everyone was smiling and clapping and there was even a photographer taking pictures. The scenery was beautiful. Those 30 seconds went past too soon.

My seat at the main table even had my name on it. The long version!

Three speeches later and dinner began. Dinner was good, and I was beginning to get comfortable at the table. It was at times a bit unnerving though, with a couple of cameramen trying to get a good shot of me lifting my spoon to my mouth, at the point just before chewing...

I couldn't resist and had to ask how many people were having dinner.

About 1000.

At the end of dinner, I was called on stage to receive a couple of tokens of appreciation. Things got better when I didn't have to take the tokens with me, as someone took it from me on stage and would hold it for me whilst I finish dessert... :-)

Thank you for dinner IIUM. Good luck to the 800 school children from 96 secondary schools across Malaysia at the inter-shcool debating competition - I hear you're going to get into the Malaysia Book of Records for making this the biggest event of its kind. All the best to the 400 odd undergrads and alumni involved in the organising of the competition. For what it's worth, you have my support.

And thank you Jane for sending me to dinner!

First to Bata...

then to school.

It was like the first tag-line in my life, ever. I grew up with that embedded in my soul.

Fast forward to 2008...

I was walking in Berne. It was in the midst of Euro 2008, and I was in this city with 17 other people, mates from my High School MBA class.

My eye suddenly caught a Bata outlet.

My good friend Riel was walking by me and I said to him,

"You know bro, for a very long time, I thought Bata was Malaysian."

"Haha... well you were wrong, coz it's Indonesian."

"Where got... no lah..."

"It is man..."

Suddenly, our three Indian friends come bounding along, and I tell them...

"Riel thinks Bata is Indonesian!"

"Hahaha.... of course not, it's Indian!"

And I stopped all of them.

"It is not Indian either!"

"Yep it is! You can find Bata in every city in every state in India..."

"In Indonesia too..."

And the debate went on and on and on...

"I swear Bata is an Indian name!"

Thank god the other 13 didn't join in. Otherwise, Finland, Costa Rica, England, Hong Kong, Taiwan and Italy would be claiming Bata as well.

For the record, Mr. Bata is Czech.

*******

It's unfortunate, but my more recent memories of Bata in Malaysia, from a few years ago, has been the line "Sorry, no stock."

Perhaps I will walk into the next Bata outlet I come across. For old times' sake, to relive my childhood...

then I will make a trip to my school!

Every step I take away from you...

I'll be two steps closer to your embrace.


Or something like that.

Puteri Gunung Ledang The Musical was supposed to start at 8.30pm. But for me, the drama started at 8.04pm.

As I drove into the grounds of the theatre, I was pleasantly surprised to see the traffic controllers move away and ask me to drive right through what seemed to me to be the VIP path. The cars in front of me had been ushered to take the less privileged route, to park in the boondocks I believe.

I was driving a borrowed car, which was slightly bigger and more imposing compared to the standard car... well, if it came with certain privileges, why not bask in it? It looked like my colleague and I were meant to arrive in style for this musical!

I soon realised that the path led to the lower lobby of the theatre. I saw a couple of doormen waiting, and I thought I'd ask them where in the lower lobby I should park. As I slowed the car to a halt, one of them opened the passenger door to let my colleague out, and the one on my side, wait a minute... was going to open the back door... but why?? No one at the back woi...

Cheh... they thought I was chauffer-driving the car!

10 minutes later, the both of us were making our way to the theatre, having parked in the boondocks.

The play was… nice. A little less rousing than I expected… but I’m glad I caught it just days before it was never to be staged again.

I was intrigued by the Micheal Jackson ‘Thriller’ sequence - when the nenek kebayans were facing off with the 7 warriors in the jungles of Gunung Ledang...

Some of the lines were quite corny… when translated into English. In Malay, they sounded poetically mesmerising…

Talking about lines, during the break, I saw the longest line to the ladies toilet I've ever seen in my life. So the horror stories floating around KL about these toilets were indeed true. And just before the start of the second half, I overheard a guy, coming back into the theatre, asking the lady sitting behind me, "Hi…. How’re you? Hmm... How's the view from here?” Sigh... I pity the guy. Small talk is not easy.

Sultan Mahmud of Melaka was one of the characters in the play. This Sultan Mahmud must have been one helluva guy – every time I see this character portrayed in a play, he’s always gatal.

I too once played the role of Sultan Mahmud in a stage play. Naturally, had to be gatal. The scriptwriters (Naz and Haz) gave me some pretty awesome lines to use to court the Princess:

Princess wanted seven trays of mosquito hearts:

Haha! Seven trays?! Why not eight?
This is going to be easy,
To prove my love to you Princess,
I will keep my servants busy.

Then Princess wanted seven pitchers of maidens’ tears:

Again you’re extremely kind Puteri,
A simple task for me no doubt,
Every maiden in the land will hear of my marriage,
They will soon be crying their eyes out!

Then she went infrastructure, wanting a bridge of gold and a bridge of silver linking Melaka to Gunung Ledang for eternity...:

Hmm… I will have to consult my Bendahara,
This would cause a huge dent in my treasure,
But not as big as the hole in my heart,
Should I fail under pressure!

And Sultan Mahmud’s immortal words before Princess’ final request…:

Render me poor for all I care,
Failure to have you is something I cannot bear!

And then she asks for my young son’s blood, a bowlful of.

Waduh...


I wonder if these lines would work in real life.

I feel I just graduated from...

High School!


"Redundancy..."

I slowly opened my eyes, wondering why in the world I said that.

As the grogginess disappeared, I could make out.... Prof Bart!

Shucks. I was in an Operations Management lecture.

"What?..."

"Redundancy..." I muttered under my breath, still not sure why the heck I was saying that.

"Sorry, didn't get that..."

You're not the only one prof, I don't get it either.

"He said 'redundancy'...." a classmate offered. He, like the other 30-odd people in the class... having no idea what was going on.

A few eyes were transfixed on me, waiting for an explanation.

"Transportation", someone else answered.

"Aha that's right..." Prof Bart finally giving out that super big grin of his, glad that he could understand someone now.

There is an art when one wants to fall asleep in lectures. I had it mastered pretty well, most of the time I looked like I was in deep thought, as opposed to in deep slumber.

There are two dangers though. The first is the one like above. One's own mouth.

The second one? Friends. (How do I know I look like I'm in deep thought while sleeping? Friends with camera phones in lectures. And I thought phones were not allowed in lectures.)

I was in one of my slumbers towards the end of the first half of a Management Information Systems lecture. I got up due to the normal commotion caused by people getting up for the break.

20 minutes later, back in the lecture theatre, I realised that we were given a group assignment cum presentation for the break. As I had nipped off for coffee during the break, in addition to the fact I was not awake in the lecture, I didn't know much at all about this presentation.

"Who's presenting for this group?"

And in one of those moments that will be greatly difficult to forget, my four soon-to-be-ex-friends-for-the-day, unanimously, pointed at me.

"Me?"

They had been plotting the whole time!

I was sucker-punched!

I pride myself in being the master of practical jokes and gotchas. This was difficult, but I managed to weasel my way out. Ask a question about the Greater Manchester Ambulance Service project, and Prof went on about it for about 15 minutes.

Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah. I know.

There are many people out to get me, but until that happens, I will continue with my practical jokes and gotchas :-)